The Onion to Sue Lebanon for Making Its Headlines Look Reasonable

[The Onion logo. Image from karlremarks.com] [The Onion logo. Image from karlremarks.com]

The Onion to Sue Lebanon for Making Its Headlines Look Reasonable

By : Karl Sharro

It emerged today that the American satirical magazine The Onion is to sue Lebanon for unfair competition practices and for making its headlines look totally reasonable. The Onion is demanding millions of dollars in compensation, claiming that the small Mediterranean country has "ruined the business of writing satirical headlines." The magazine’s claim refers to a "sustained campaign of nonsensical but nevertheless real headlines" over a number of years, during which Lebanon, "went out of its way to make The Onion’s headlines look ordinary by comparison."

The straw that broke the camel’s back was Lebanon’s adoption of a new electoral law that requires members of each sect to vote for candidates from their sect only. A senior staff member at The Onion, Andy Mitchell, revealed the pressure that the magazine’s writers have been under in an interview earlier today. “How can we possibly satirize that? Anything we will come up with will look extremely normal. This is fucking insane.”

He added:

The law says Maronites, and I am not quite sure what Maronites are, must vote for Maronites candidates, Shiites for Shiite candidates, Sunnis for Sunni candidates, and so on. Except for Jews. Jews can vote for candidates of any sect they choose! Now if we had put that in a satirical article, we would have been accused of unreasonable exaggeration.

. . .

And why do they call it the Orthodox Electoral Law? There’s NOTHING Orthodox about it. They must be pulling our leg. No political system in the world is that twisted, not even North Korea’s. This is obviously part of a determined effort to undermine what we and other satirical publications do. Lebanon is trying to create a monopoly in ludicrous headlines and I’m afraid to say it’s succeeding.

It is understood that The Onion’s lawyers will target Lebanon under anti-trust laws and "freakin’ common sense." 

Mr. Mitchell also recited a long list of record-breaking attempts by Lebanon, revolving around the production of increasingly larger and larger plates of Hummus, as evidence of this campaign "to mess with our heads": “What’s Hummus? It’s chickpeas, right? Why do they need that much? What are they doing with it? I have a mortgage, for God’s sake. I need this job.” 

Mr. Mitchell was also critical of Lebanon’s political system, "which makes a circus look like the Library of Congress," observing, "it seems that Lebanese politicians picked up where Dali left off." The Onion’s strategy will revolve around proving in court that no political system could actually exist in that form, other than for the sinister purpose of ruining satire. The Onion will also claim that Lebanese people are all in on this scam, "otherwise they would be completely insane for electing these people time after time."

As we went to publication, reports began to appear in the Lebanese press that Mr. Mitchell is of Lebanese origin, claiming that his great-grandparents, Gergi and Taqla Mkhayel, had immigrated to the United States in the nineteenth century. People from their ancestral village spoke of their pride of Mr. Mitchell in television interviews, and he has now been invited to participate in the next Largest Plate of Hummus record-breaking attempt.


[This article was first published on
Karl Remarks.]

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Top Ten List: What To Expect In Lebanon Now That The STL Indictment is Out

1-Sa`ad al-Hariri will release a videotaped statement from Paris saying that everyone in Lebanon must be brave and steadfast in pursuing justice for assassinated Prime Minister Rafik al Hariri. He will then go out for a five course meal, in Paris.

2-Hassan Nasrallah will release a videotaped statement from an unknown location where he announces that there will be peace and stability in Lebanon. He will sweat profusely, smile, and point his finger at the camera.He will then dispatch armed forces around the country to “enforce” this peace and stability.

3-Walid Jumblatt will provide the answers as he blows, and blows with the changing winds. A remake of the Bob Dylan classic will be called “Walid Bek, my friends, is blowing in the wind . . . Walid Bek is blowing in the wind(s)”

4-The United Nations and the “international community” will remember that international law is supposed to be binding. Well, sometimes at least. As long as it does not concern Israel`s occupation of Palestine, or Israel`s dispossession of Palestinians.

5-Thomas Friedman will make the rounds on mainstream news programs, sharing his “expertise” on Shiites. He will explain why they will react to the news differently than their Sunnite counterparts due to a DNA permutation that causes them to seek “martyrdom.” Friedman will suggest that nothing important has happened since the battle of Karbala, really.

6-Lebanese citizens will begin stocking up on what they need to survive another war. Overnight, the country will experience shortages of cigarettes, vodka, whiskey, and other intoxicants.

7-Lebanese businesses will begin plans to move to “safe” areas away from possible Sunnite-Shiite clashes and “away” from areas populated by their co-citizens who might be targeted by the Israeli war machine for living in a “Hezbollah [civilian] stronghold”. Don`t blame the businessmen, they are just doing their job by feeding the seemingly congenital Lebanese desire to “enjoy the summer.”

8-Al-Jazeera will begin covering the Iranian plot to throw Lebanon into disarray 24/7. Bahrain? What`s that?

9-Michel Aoun will reveal that in fact he is, and always has been, Rafik al Hariri. Thus, the indictment must be an Israeli-American plot, since he is still alive and kicking. The world will finally understand that his erratic behavior is actually due to him being two people, at once. Now, he can be the [Maronite] President and the [Sunni] Prime Minister of Lebanon. Beam me up, Scotty.

10-The stalemate in Lebanon will be stretched even thinner. Political factions opposed to Hezbollah will continue to re-arm and train their “secret” militias. Once they have assurances of Israeli-Saudi-American Saudi support, the stalemate will end with the ignition of a legally “legitimate” local-foreign war against a terrorist organization snubbing its nose at international law. Israel will take (as long as it is feasible) former Lebanese Minister of Defense Elias el-Murr`s advice to not target “Christian areas” of the country. Over a million Lebanese will be internally displaced, and thousands will die in order to enforce an “enlightened,” “life loving” and “democratic” Middle East.